Peaches for Dessert
A recent Skype hoax conned a Taiwanese woman to wire $30,000 to a man claiming to be retired U.S. Army Gen. David Petraeus, our current director of the CIA.
The unrequited software engineer, Liu Hsu-Jen, still believes that Petraeus is her fiancée and suspects he’s become demure only because of tensions with China. Which is why he hasn’t jetted over in a military transport to “protect our love,” or so she insists.
Media reports have claimed that David Howell Petraeus, naturally, is NOT her Skype lover. Rather, she was hoodwinked by a New Zealander titled online “Yellis12” with an amazing resemblance to a general nicknamed “Peaches” many moons ago.
Despite our own ongoing suspicions, we also dallied with an internet love that didn’t exactly pan out the way we expected so we can sympathize, Liu Hsu-Jen!
But at LoD we want to get beyond crying over our own sort of Crying Game. Why, Yellis12 might be snookering unsuspecting ladies as we speak! So, women, we must arm you with five clues that you’re with the real David Petraeus.
5. Foreplay and push-ups are the same thing.
Dave Petraeus loves to challenge everyone he meets to hit the deck and pound them out. His wife, Holly, has biceps the size of a poodle and is known to juggle refrigerators.
The Petraeus challenge coin at CIA is a 60-lb barbell.
4. After your Skype session, Paula Broadwell asks you what you thought about it. And then she asks you again.
I’ve nicknamed her “Queen David.” Paula is writing both her dissertation and a book about Petraeus and she’s incessant about knowing everything about the man.
During one waterboarding incident, I divulged to her King David’s junior high school locker combination (3–2-4), the fact that he prefers boxers over briefs and his Republican party voter ID number in New Hampshire (3–2-4) and she still kept dunking me before rendering me to a dank dungeon at Penguin where the Syrians took over.
She’s relentless!
3. His wingman is a balding hulk of a man with a New Jersey accent and all the sexual sizzle of Skeletor.
If Petraeus mentions the “Big O,” he’s talking about Chief of Staff of the Army Ray Odierno and not the culmination to a night of unrelenting passion.
Unless, of course, he puts a sock on the TOC door, turns the lights down low and the hi-fi up with some sweet, sweet Barry White.
That’s the universal sign to the wingman to fly home.
And for you to have Peaches for dessert.
Rrrrrrr…
If you see a guy with an Australian accent who is also sticking around past bedtime, that’s his accidental wingman, Dave Kilcullen.
Unlike Ray, he does that sort of thing, even after the sock goes on the doorknob.
But if you need to get rid of him, just throw a State Department contract out the bedroom window and he’ll chase it.
Chortle, chortle.
2. Even if the sex wasn’t that great, you’re haunted by an annoying gnome-like pundit who insists that it was the best damned whoopee of your life. Unless you’re just too stupid to realize it.
If you notice a bearded fellow prowling about the sheets, yapping incessantly that the bed you made and slept in is now the best bed of all time only because of the magical and ingenuous lovemaking of David Petraeus — a session so powerful and beautiful that all the Army’s simpletons “don’t get it” because they can’t even fathom it, man — that’s just Tom Ricks.
He does that sort of thing. Pay him no mind.
And if the person saying much the same things doesn’t have a beard, that’s just every other Beltway journalist, pundit or think tank wonk. Get used to it, lady. If you’re going to woo King David you’ve got to deal with his princes, courtiers and stenographers or it just ain’t real, blind, everlasting and unqualified love.
Or 21st century journalism. Same thing.
The longer you hang around them the more you’ll notice that none of them ever did a second of combat in Iraq but they’ll tell you what it was like and how the Two Daves — Petraeus and Galula – could’ve made it so, so, so much better for everyone concerned if only they’d listen to them.
And the Kagans.
They’re the Hare Krishnas of COIN. DC is their airport and Dave Petraeus is the tambourine they’re going to beat until you go deaf from all the beautiful music.
1. Turn ons: Deep discussions about the successes of the “Surge,” deep discussions about the successes of FM 3–24, deep discussions about the successes of Mosul, deep discussions about the successes of the CIA. Well, all the successes since Sept. 6 anyway.
Turn offs: Unless you want to kill the mood with our four-star-struck Scorpio, avoid any mention of Marjah, Stan McChrystal, Joe Biden, strategy, Gian Gentile or the Constitution.
If you ever mistakenly utter those words or blurt out “Clausewitz,” quickly flash him a PowerPoint slide that says “Money is ammunition!”
Once he smiles and leans in, whisper in his ear, “So, tell me how this ends?”
Works like Cialis every time, lady.
Tags: David Petraeus, Skeletor, Skype hoax, Taiwan
